Filed under: Movies
…let’s talk about Snakes on a Plane! I just saw it, and people clapped! People don’t clap for dramas, but they clapped for this! I am not sure if the whole twenty people in the theatre were from the Internet, but they seemed to have heard about it. I myself shouted out “Where’s the motherfucking snakes?” after a preview, and they laughed! I felt accomplished.
Some might say that it isn’t a good movie, and people just like it because The Internet told them to (I think I am going to start capitalizing “the” before “Internet”) but I don’t think that’s entirely true. Everyone knew pretty much what to expect going in to the theatre, it was just the details that needed to be filled in. Those details were suitably gory and ridiculous, and we looked over these purple corpses, bloated with venom, and we saw them to be Good.
Many will tell you the best line from the movie is that which was later added after the initial filming (the one where Samuel L. Jackson gets angry at the snakes) but I think there’s better. The crime boss who started the entire reptilian deathtrap is asked by one of his lackeys: “Isn’t there a better way to do this?” He replies, with a perfect coldness in his eyes: “Do you think I would have done this if I hadn’t exhausted every other option? This is all we have left!” I am not sure what plan releasing poisonous snakes would be, but it would probably be at least halfway through the alphabet.
If you want to see it, you should. Don’t be the slave of The Internet. If everyone listened to everything that It spouted from Its myriad hungry mouths, we would be living in a world ruled by Wilford Brimley. Reflect on that, my friends.
Today I started working at a telemarketing agency, selling rodeos over the phone. A tough business really, where one must suffer all manner of rude behaviour. Nevermind that I'm calling people when they're sitting down for dinner, I AM GOING TO KEEP CALLING UNTIL YOU RECOGNIZE. It is kind of an interesting environment — each person has their own technique, refined over countless hours calling cold over and over again. After my first day, I feel that I have begun to form a style of my own, one that is as of yet only mildly effective.
I heard about this job through my friend Connor, whose site can be found here. Impressive, isn't it? Connor also usually runs our site over at a place called MySpace, perhaps you have heard of it. I believe you are more likely to have heard of MySpace if you identify yourself as the denomination of "emo". In fact, you are very likely to have several pictures of yourself and over 100 friends, many of whom you may never have met.
In less responsible days, I started a MySpace of my own — and have constantly been reminded of the error of my ways ever since. It can be found here. YES THAT IS CALLED BLOG CROSS-POLLINATION. Be warned: only view it if you wish to see the comments left to me by innumerable preteen girls who have lied their way onto MySpace in order to stalk anyone who is, as they say, "in a band".
The MySpace Connor somewhat maintains is for this band, which has to date enjoyed good local support. Last year we recorded ten songs, which was a good start. That MySpace is right here, by the way. If you would like to hear a few of the songs we have recorded about Charlton Heston, and some that are not about him, please direct your browser and attention to that link.
Connor, by the way, will be playing General William Guile in our rendition of Street Fighter 2: 2 Extreme. His training in Wadokai Karate will be an asset to him in this respect, in stark contrast with the rest of the cast who have never studied the deadly arts. I will tentatively be playing General M. Bison, or "Vega" as he is called in Japan. I hope to do justice to Raul Julia's masterful performance as the great villain, and also hope that I am able to obtain the appropriate hat to portray the role. I should have more information on SF2:2E in the coming days, so continue to check here for updates.
Summer is upon us once more, bringing promises of temperatures so warm that I can finally complain about the heat. Hurrah! Additionally, this season traditionally heralds the time when I and several of my friends set several unrealistic goals for ourselves. One year, we attempted to create a series of audio shorts featuring the rap artist Lil' Jon. Interest shortly vanished, and newer fads appeared. Some of these projects do see the light of day; a recent can be found here, and will hopefully be updated on a regular basis. Other ideas are bounced around like so many superballs, richocheting off the walls of our minds until they hit someone and they throw the ball away.
However, that is not always the case. Sometimes those balls are not thrown away, but gathered and formed into a disturbing pastiche fuelled by late night gaming sessions and too much caffeine. The prime example of this phenomenon would be the Street Fighter Sequel project.
If you have seen Street Fighter: The Movie, then you fall into one of two camps. There are those in the majority who look at the movie and decry its many faults — from its poor translation of the popular video game to its low grade acting and subpar plot. The other group is more optimistic — insane, some might say. They appreciate the film for its subtle jokes, delightful absurdity, and stealth boats. I fall into that latter category. Perhaps it's just that one of my friends and I used to rent the movie repeatedly as children, but it has always been an odd favourite of mine.
And so, it has come to pass that a sequel shall be made, by us. Unfortunately, Raul Julia is not involved in the project as he is deceased. The original movie was his last film, and this one shall also be dedicated to his memory. Fortunately, Jean-Claude Van Damme will not be involved either. In fact, I suspect that very few — if any — of the original cast will be joining us, unless they are down on their luck and willing to work for a pittance, or possibly two pittances.
It is for this reason that I am in the position of having to pen the script for this film. Suggestions would be appreciated, especially if they are lyrics for a musical scene. Trailer to come? We shall see. End transmission.
